Why Empathic People Can
Attract Narcissists & Gaslighters
Being an empathic person can be a beautiful quality.
We may naturally notice when someone is struggling, sense changes in people’s emotions and want to understand what sits beneath their behaviour.
But these qualities can sometimes create vulnerability in relationships where manipulation, control or gaslighting are present.
This can leave empathic people asking:
“Why do I keep ending up in relationships like this?”
“Why do I keep giving so many chances?”
“Why do I question myself so much?”
The answer isn’t that empathy is a weakness.
Often, there may be deeper patterns connected to our early experiences, our nervous system and what we learned about relationships.
Understanding these patterns can help us develop greater self-awareness while keeping the compassion that makes empathy such a powerful quality.
What Does It Mean to Be Highly Empathic?
Empathy allows us to recognise and understand the emotions of others.
Highly empathic people may naturally notice:
Changes in someone’s tone of voice
Facial expressions
Body language
Changes in the atmosphere around them
When someone is upset or withdrawn
When conflict is developing
When another person needs support
This sensitivity can be a wonderful strength.
Empathic people often bring compassion, patience, understanding and emotional awareness into their relationships.
However, there can be a difference between understanding another person’s emotions and taking responsibility for those emotions.
When these become blurred, relationships can become emotionally exhausting.
When Empathy Develops From Hypervigilance
For some people, being highly aware of other people’s emotions developed early in life.
If childhood environments were unpredictable, emotionally tense or difficult to navigate, learning to read the room may have helped us feel safer.
We may have learned to notice:
“Is Mum upset?”
“Is Dad angry?”
“Is something about to happen?”
“How can I keep everyone calm?”
Over time, this awareness can become automatic.
We become incredibly good at monitoring other people’s emotions.
The nervous system learns to scan for changes in the environment so that we can respond quickly.
As adults, this may look like being extremely sensitive to other people’s moods.
We may notice a change in someone’s energy before they have said anything.
We may immediately wonder what we have done wrong.
We may feel responsible for making things better.
What once helped us navigate relationships can sometimes continue long after the original environment has changed.
Why Empathic People May Give So Many Chances
Empathic people often want to understand the reason behind someone’s behaviour.
Instead of immediately thinking:
“That behaviour isn’t acceptable.”
We may think:
“They must be struggling.”
“Perhaps something happened to them.”
“Maybe they’re under a lot of pressure.”
“Maybe I misunderstood.”
“Perhaps I could communicate this differently.”
This capacity for understanding can be incredibly valuable within healthy relationships.
But when another person repeatedly avoids accountability, empathy can sometimes turn into over-tolerance.
One person continues adapting, forgiving and trying to repair the relationship.
The other person continues repeating the same behaviour.
Over time, this can create an unhealthy imbalance.
Understanding Narcissistic and
Gaslighting Behaviours
The term narcissist is commonly used to describe people who display patterns such as entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation or an ongoing need for control and validation.
It is important to remember that having difficult or self-centred behaviours does not automatically mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Only a qualified professional can make a clinical diagnosis.
For our purposes, it can be more useful to focus on behaviours and relationship patterns rather than labels.
Gaslighting is one pattern that can be particularly damaging.
It involves behaviour that causes another person to question their memory, perception, feelings or understanding of events.
This may include:
Denying things that happened
Changing the story repeatedly
Dismissing someone’s feelings
Blaming someone for their own behaviour
Saying someone is “too sensitive”
Minimising concerns
Making someone question their memory
Refusing to acknowledge their part in conflict
When this happens repeatedly, self-trust can gradually become affected.
When We Start Questioning Ourselves
One of the most difficult aspects of gaslighting is the confusion it can create.
We may begin asking:
“Did I really remember that correctly?”
“Am I being too sensitive?”
“Did I overreact?”
“Maybe it wasn’t that serious.”
“Maybe I am the problem.”
For someone who already learned to prioritise other people’s emotions, this can be particularly difficult.
The more we question ourselves, the more we may rely on the other person’s version of events.
This can gradually disconnect us from our own internal signals.
The Nervous System Inside Difficult Relationships
Our nervous system plays an important role in how we respond to emotionally difficult relationships.
When we experience ongoing uncertainty, conflict or emotional threat, the body may move into survival responses.
These can include:
Fight
We may become angry, defensive or argumentative as the body attempts to protect us.
Flight
We may want to escape the situation, avoid conversations or constantly stay busy.
Freeze
We may feel unable to respond, become emotionally numb or struggle to know what to say.
Fawn
We may automatically try to please, appease or calm another person in order to prevent conflict.
The fawn response can be particularly relevant for empathic people who have learned that keeping everyone happy helps maintain connection.
When Being the Peacekeeper Becomes Exhausting
Many empathic people become incredibly skilled at maintaining peace.
We may apologise first.
We may avoid difficult conversations.
We may change our behaviour to prevent another person’s reaction.
We may carefully choose our words.
We may constantly monitor the emotional atmosphere.
From the outside, everything may look fine.
Inside, however, our nervous system may be working incredibly hard.
Living this way can contribute to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion and a feeling that we can never fully relax.
Empathy and Boundaries Can Coexist
For some empathic people, boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable.
We may associate boundaries with rejection.
We may worry about hurting someone.
We may feel guilty for saying no.
We may fear being seen as selfish.
But healthy boundaries don’t remove compassion.
They create space for compassion without self-abandonment.
A boundary may simply communicate:
“This behaviour isn’t something I am willing to participate in.”
“I need some space.”
“I am not comfortable with this.”
“I can care about what you’re experiencing without taking responsibility for it.”
Boundaries allow empathy and self-respect to exist together.
What Healthy Relationships Can Feel Like
If we have become accustomed to emotional unpredictability, healthy relationships can sometimes feel unfamiliar.
Healthy connection doesn’t require constant monitoring.
There is room for disagreement without intimidation.
There is accountability.
There is respect.
There is communication.
There is emotional reciprocity.
There is space for individual needs.
There is an ability to repair after conflict.
Most importantly, we don’t have to continually abandon ourselves to maintain the relationship.
Healthy connection allows our nervous system to experience moments of safety, rest and regulation.
We Don't Have to Lose Our Softness
Sometimes people believe that the only way to protect themselves is to become harder.
But perhaps we don’t need to lose our softness.
We can remain compassionate.
We can remain generous.
We can remain understanding.
We can remain empathic.
And we can develop stronger boundaries at the same time.
Our sensitivity can remain a strength when it is balanced with self-awareness and self-respect.